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12/6/10 12:03 am

these days run together, an endless pricking at my skin, leaving pinholes for pain. it seeps through, pervasive persistent. events twist around me and i continue to lose feeling. oh how i want to just leave, uproot and transplant. this slow agony drains desperate.

11/30/10 11:22 pm

here, everything hurts. no, you don't know. i. am. left. over. wrapped in foil, to be pushed away, a forgotten remmant. nothing matters the way it should. i only want to get to this aloneness, this utter neglect, so it won't feel so bad, the end of all. that i can escape into this excuse. wrap myself in the bandages of self-deprivation and righteousness. i do this for a purpose. here on my own crusade, i destruct. careening over your morals, i bulldoze my way [the only way]. so bitter i have steeped past conviction into ironic. tears bleed from these wounds in my eyes, they cannot be staunched; they hemorrhage endlessly into this solitary night.

11/17/10 12:24 am

yesterday i felt possibility swelling up, a new hope of independence, a chance for something [more]. inevitable, it, i, failed. life succeeds in its letdowns, as ever. now, wishing for a boy like a bad habit, like he is nicotine and i am fiending. like an aspiring quitter, i fill myself with junk. i will gain ten pounds. i will despise myself even more.

11/13/10 07:53 pm

TXT:Drunk @ work again. How is it
that no one ever notices? Maybe those
50's guys
were on 2 something after all. I blame you./TXT


such a lie. onto nothing. i mainline toxin straight to the soul. i swore no, not now, but like any good addict, i return to you. or, as we all like to think, rather, you are returning to me. this acid elucidates buried truths, eliminates buried hopes. it burns through appeasings, pleadings. searing, scarring. and they ask why. what is that, there, upon the underside of that wide wristbone.
[nothing]
[nothing..]
[nothing...]
as (i)t has always been.

11/11/10 05:17 pm

i exist in this uncertainty, these spaces between vague interactions. all these minor distractions, they add up till they are overwhelming. give me some ritalin, that i may deal. [with you] tiptoe, careful steps, that we may. stay. gray. don't fall, you might end in black /or/ white. you might have to decide, oh god, the end, of things. how terrible would that be. as if, in ignorance, stumbling upon ruins of this supposed civilization; ironic when we are barely civil. instead, warlike, faces painted with the tribal markings of righteousness and conviction for our causes. spears crossed, we glare, convinced of our stances. there is no resolution.

10/25/10 03:11 am

winter has fallen sudden and deadly upon this supposed summer of love. desolate dry shriveled brown pervades all interaction. [love the way you lie] my thoughts and feelings snap, hard, brittle, frost-covered. chilled words puffing out in a brief fog that is soon overpowered by overwhelming icicle atmosphere. hypothermia has set in, snaking through the spaces in the bed with illusions of warmth and normalcy. i am not fooled. i reside in my ice block cave, hugging ribs protruding like bare branches, dying from existing. sleet seals my fate, freezing shooting straight for this shrinking heart. i pray to jack frost, to be my false idol, to reincarnate me as the snow queen, hard and smooth and so so cold, with long eyelashes clotted with snowflakes, all in white to represent the purity of a fresh fall before the footprints of boys ruin everything. i shiver, huddle, wait.

10/21/10 07:42 am - shh, be quiet now

ha, i succeed, i shrink. beneath the heavy glare, weight, of your gaze. the pressure forces out extra pounds, and for that i love it. forcing me down to bare minimum. i run, run, run. too busy to notice these limits, these rules. i am far too engaged in life to pay any attention to these chains on my [wrists, ankles] bones, too occupied to see a short leash. i fill my small radius with tasks, furiously worrying at inconspicuous accomplishments. hurry hurry heart, let's keep up, let's push push push farther, testing these few feet of slack. so short can seem so far when filled to the brink. i consume this overload, teeth snapping at nothing and everything. give. me. more.

5/2/10 12:06 am - Quod me nutrit, me destruit.

oh that cliched phrase. that simple statement. how it comes, to mean everything and nothing. to become at once aspiration,[alienation] condemnation. fuel the fire of destruction, desecration: consecrate me to ashes. grey, i am burnt to bits, smoke escaping from the cigarettes touched to more acknowledged mouths. fading before strongly lined lips and words that burn slowly into flesh like hot embers. fat fouled, i am feral. always try, but i am never tamed. spitting, growling, i am sadly never subdued; snarling backed into a corner. for me, there is never an escape. cannibalize yourself, eat this body till there is nothing left--[this is a lie, there is always leftovers, disgusting clinging bits that someone desperate always takes home, oh jesus we do not waste there are starving children in africa] and even then, bones are too much, too ugly, what right do you have to this space, who gave it to you, do you have a pass, why why why are you even here; what purpose do you serve.
tear. me. to. bits.

4/28/10 08:48 pm

hide yourself. smother that truth, the stark bare raw of what you are. stripped, you will be found lacking al(l)ways, in all things.

4/22/10 07:58 pm

the world is my enemy. i wonder when this became a battle, when, exactly i went to war. it seems that once i was at peace. i remember being vaguely better once, i think. but i could be wrong. i am hated, and hate back. fight, bite, wrest a tenuous existence from my surroundings.
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