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Saturday, November 28th, 2009
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8:42 pm
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ah, and here, we are. i slave, sliding away. but i am not as small. again it begins, this repetition. how can you say, how can you begin to speak to someone about the decay, the slow mouldering away of a love that was once like towers proud and strong and sparkling like marble inlaid with quartz, towers now half-demolished by war and crumbling away over time gone too quick. winter overtakes summer, catching it and choking its throat with frost, clotting its blood with snowfall. eyes open to many paths, i am caught without a map. guide me, delaying is poisonous, resulting in steeping stagnation. i am as a scrap of silk caught on a sharp twig in the wind, struggling to free, held fast and anguished. release, please. let go.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
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1:28 am
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oh here. take this offering, my small sacrificial lamb of a heart. enjoy. feed upon me, you love the taste of bitterness. i wonder if the flavor will ever change, or if it will continue to leave me sour.
it's not selfish, this curiosity. i only want to know why.
why?
what is it that i do not see. something beneath the surface, swimming, scales shimmering slightly, escaping my grasping hands. what is it what is it what is it.
no do not dwell.
it causes crazy.
i cope.
just
let
it
go.
[i can't]
current mood:  frustrated
current music: The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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12:54 am
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there is a girl that i hate.
i am petty and i hate that too.
the friend says
"she was all like 'oh my god, i am so much hotter than she is. she thinks she's so hot. she's maybe cute, but i am way hotter.' and i was like 'oh god' and i just walked away."
and i say
"are you serious? jesus, when is she going to move on? like, get over yourself."
but really i am uncertain.
that maybe she really is in some way better and knows it and everyone else knows too, he knows and the friend knows and even my boss knows but yet i do not know but i should know.
but i have to pretend it is beneath me to think such things. that she is beneath my radar. that i do not notice her perfect hair or perfect exotic features with blue almond eyes and a spattering of cute freckles on her clear perfect face.
instead i take comfort in the fact that
she has jagged crooked teeth
mine are straight and even
that she is just so slightly chubby
that i am thinner and more toned
her eyes are small
mine are big and innocent seeming
her skin is always reddish and flushed like a sunburn
mine is either cool porcelain or tanned and smooth
she tends to have that chicken skin rash on her arms
mine are clear and lightly freckled
and these are the things that keep me from losing the battle.
god save the little girls of the world,
those who do not yet know the pain of feminine competition.
when you are born female
you are born into a war.
a neverending fight to be the best
the thinnest
the prettiest
the sexiest
the cutest
the funniest
the smartest
the most appealing
the most popular
the most charming
from the moment the doctor says
'it's a girl'
it begins.
strive.
current mood: weary
current music: Me vs Maradona vs Elvis - Brand New
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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1:11 am - if you read this; it is the hopeful translation of a tired apology.
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i am used to being the small one.
i thought you would be bigger.
[than that at least]
once, we were not so insignificant to each other.
although i no longer mourn i still grieve.
enough to play with pills and booze at least.
and you, do you.
is she more fitting, i inquire.
our bodies tended to clash, clanging, caustic.
the only harmony was in your melodramatic melody.
now i reach across chasms, greedy gulping voids that swallow sentences to speak to you.
i think chunks of your reply are eaten by that oblivion.
that must be why they stay so succinct.
it takes two to build bridges [you know construction, you know this] but you seem so unwilling.
these obstacles between us cannot be overcome.
i have the distinct impression you will not even try to navigate this tangle of a ropes course.
nevertheless i will continue to drop maps, subtle, unnoticed by her slanted eyes.
perhaps someday you will catch on.
current mood:  high
current music: Rockers HiFi - Going Under
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| Monday, January 10th, 2005
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1:27 pm - "Have you ever seen the human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood." -Closer
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so, here it comes, come. toy triumphant. this body betrays beautifully. relief quickly surrendered to heartwrenching. that pang completely conquered. i am neither first nor second. her lips left stains on yours, and no matter how much i kissed them they would not leave. out, out, damn. i could not bear the reality of what it was. i am not her. but go ahead, pretend. i am your doll. and now, perhaps, i can leave. can die happy, so to speak. speaking, of, your eyes do not have the same look, the one i loved. our innocence is lost. look how hard and coarse we are. we glitter we are so sharp. you pierce deeply. i have lost my insight [into you] inside such an insignificant amount of time. that was quick. who else could cloud so cleverly. i wander in this fog, my hands outstretched, reaching, searching for you, you are so searing. i hold my knees, no one to hold me. i cannot yet tell if my heart is clotting. i think it still pours freely. for now.
current mood:  sad
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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1:26 pm - the blower's daughter - damien rice
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and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her skies
i can't take my eyes off of you
and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time
and so it is
the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial
i can't take my eyes off of you
did I say that I loathe you?
did I say that I want to
leave it all behind?
i can't take my mind off of you
my mind
'til I find somebody new
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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5:45 pm
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death defines me. i kept those petals you gave me, but not the key. this emptiness comforts in a way that has been unfamiliar for so long. oh heart. you flutter painfully, bloodied bird within a cage of ribs. i tumble through thorns to scratch out toxins. how dare you leave me this numb. ironically, i left because you made me feel. but i never went as far as you intend to. i stayed nearby, shying into shadows, watching you in the light. i would have never strayed. wretched, i wait for the word. say. trust becomes frayed and thin, the image i intend to portray. to reflect for you, for give. strike now, or forever hold your peace.
current mood: crushed
current music: Rest In Pieces - Saliva
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
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3:57 pm
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i will remember those eyelashes [particularly, sadly, when they were clotted with tears] and die a million tiny deaths. i hope someday i can return to those arms. it pains to pain you, but i am too proud to plead.
i think perhaps you would be tone-deaf to such dissonance anyway, to this cacophony of shattered sentences.
regardless, i love to hold you. i will instead think back to times of when our hearts beat in tandem, two wings fluttering at the same pace. my words were ugly, and i am sorry. jagged and sharp, i did not mean what they meant. but i think perhaps you guessed as much. you speak of strength, but truly you crush me. i am no match for you. oh love, how long it takes to sink. i will dream of your eyes and chest and hair and hands and back and the sensation of it all. someday we really must go to the riverwalk. until then, i love you like water, like rain falling on texas hills, like clear green rivers flowing through small hippie towns, like tiny brooks in botanical gardens. here's to us.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 6th, 2004
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3:33 am
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to-day.
i saw you there, hiding behind a bush hastily smoking, inhaling surrepitiously. glancing up you walked back to work.
i do not know you, of course, but that doesn't stop me from thinking i could.
...
i arrived home to find this storm has subsided; watched you confuse. unfortunately, i still could not recover caring altogether.
some fires sputter, and some blaze. some fade out into ashes.
...
here i am alone.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 12th, 2004
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5:00 pm
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lost, not yet found, yet finding family not lost, just not yet found. i see images reflecting me and look foward eagerly. my heart fills full, bursting through my tear ducts, and i know this inclination is true. i am so drawn. my soul drinks up everything it can pertaining. i had not realized i was dying of thirst.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 8th, 2004
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1:43 pm - Hurt - NIN
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I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 13th, 2004
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5:11 pm
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the infinite sadness returns, strong and soft as ever to hold. i am thinking, perhaps, this love too shall not hold through. i like driving uphill because it looks like i am driving into the sky. i feel that nagging longing to leave. the world can offer more than this small town, i know; can offer sights and sounds and smells and most of all new touches. is my somebody out there? or is this the end, here? how anti-climactic, how uninspired. how did i lock myself into such a ordinary world? the life is slowly draining from me, from this lack of creativity, from the void of adventure. there is nothing. i changed my mind. i do not want to settle down. i want escape, rather. save me.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
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11:10 am
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i hate you.
you, spider, caught me in webs of maybe, slithering flattery.
i struggled, but all i could do was watch you approach, watch you sink your mouth onto me; and i was filled with poison.
it burned. oh how it burned. like an inner demon writhing inside me i wrestled with everyday. sickened, diseased, tainted were my words by the growing black lump in my chest, like clotted tar.
of course, you saw.
my beloved foreverboy.
you knew.
and so, you asked. i froze. the demon danced triumphant as i spoke. the black tumor poured out and flowed over us, discolouring the walls, swirling on the bed, staining everything.
there were so many tears. uncontained by your eyelashes, they splashed on my cheeks mixing indistinguishably from my own.
something broke that night that may never heal.
we shall see.
i am alone.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004
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12:19 pm - somebody save me.
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this past year seems slightly wasted, a 365 day aberration.
although, there is, finding faith in each other.
cigarette smoke caressed my windshield last night as words bounced off glass, careening around us.
and, there was the whisper of him that went unsaid.
he waits, 5 1/2 hours away, as time ticks down, to prey.
my defenses, i fear, are not strong enough to hold. always, i try, but velvet words slink, cunning confusing.
"i am safe with him. i do not want."
"maybe, you are just afraid of what would happen between us."
i say nothing.
i am afraid.
confused, i sit there like stone, silent, as he leans his head on my shoulder.
i dread, yet i do not in the current.
i wrestle with demons; i want to tell you, to make him go away.
i do not.
i am afraid.
what would you do? would you blame me, as that other dark did? would you protect me, as i want so badly?
i wish, truly. let's run away, far from this threatening tempation.
he waits.
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| Friday, December 5th, 2003
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12:24 pm
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i revel in my games, edging and fluttery; and you both love me more. i could not believe when he came along that doubt could eat, devour, cancerous. not at this presumably insurmountable something. but, perhaps, i was wrong, and our glory = facade. our glow seems to fade, our shine to dull. and all because of
a laugh
a certain look
sparks passing
a foreign touch
he, too, fits. we spun webs to catch each other. i never expected to snag a wing in his snare just as he crashed into mine. but i cannot, i cannot. i cling to thoughts of you as he brushes fingertips against my cheek and i flinch. i cannot [escape].
trapped in a million cages, i beat my body against till it bleeds. and then she comes. she whispers. the same story as before, but with new rewards. she comforts with hunger twinges.
i need.
current mood: broken
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| Monday, November 24th, 2003
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11:22 am
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3 Libras
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Thrown down among a million same.
Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed, and passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me
But I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.
'Cause I threw you the obvious
Just to see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Well, oh well..
Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 29th, 2003
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11:34 pm
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last night of daquiri drinking, fields, cousins, and that sweet smell of texas, of mesquite and beer, bluebonnets and creek water.
another growing up.
my friends are older, getting married and going to far-off places, and i am doing the same. adult should be a curse word.
my boy is special, and when he sings along to chords floating from his guitar i fall in love all over again.
i still;
want to dance
think of you, demon
feel passion
get hurt
want to remake the world
speak out of turn
am sad.
new, changes, attack.
i am alone without y.o.u.
to whoever reads this; i love you.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
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6:09 pm
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"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution-then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise."
ALDOUS HUXLEY
1894 - 1963
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 31st, 2003
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11:07 pm
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| Thursday, May 15th, 2003
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7:02 pm
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i, seeking solace, sink.
"am i just, to you?"
"no. you were to him."
you passed out, brown arm slung over me, and i cried myself to sleep. we were nobodies to each other, unimportants. you will not think of me, and i will not meet your eyes at the next party. you, liar, decieved. i will, do, hate.
delta pinned me, forcibly pressing his lips on mine last night, as i pushed away. he was drunk, smelling heavily of beer. i cracked a little more. ran outside, fumbling for keys.
pale came up to me today, blue eyes licking over my skin, making suggestions.
"i'll be by myself. you, should come, tonight."
i mumbled some declination, and hid when i saw him walk by again.
history repeats.
i want escape.
i break, and end as nothing.
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